Harry Potter

It's like 12:30 AM, and I'm waiting for Brad "Lights Out" Lidge to fucking finish this horribly long Phillies game that has had a rain delay and is now in the 12th inning. I don't really know why I'm writing this considering the only person who reads this is my mom (sad I know), and I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow (today?) so that's gonna suck, but there's something I have to talk about: Harry Potter. Now I'm a pretty big fan of the series, and I've already seen the new movie already (twice) with my mother (I know what you're thinking to yourself, so shut the fuck up, I like my mom so fuck off) and my equally frail, white, and loserly friend Tom. It was pretty good, and Emma Watson has "developed" some more, but I would like to point out a couple things before I start talking about Emma Watson for a few hours.

Quidditch is the most bullshit sport in the world. You'd think J.K. Rowling, who created this crazy wizard world with so much care would realize something: everything that is not the golden snitch doesn't matter. Clearly, the whole point was to give Harry another thing to single-handedly destroy at, but does he really need it? He fucking ruined a serial killer who people shudder at the name of, and he hangs around with Emma Watson. I swore before I read the last book we were gonna find out that Harry was the son of God and he was put on earth to show everyone how much they suck, then eventually "pass judgment" on everyone (for those of you who don't know, this is Catholic for kill everyone in the world, sending some of them to eternal damnation, and some of them to chill with his boyz in Heaven [and probably put the black ones in South Central Heaven]). The game of Quidditch is over when Harry inevitably catches the crazy flying ball and get 203498239408 points, so...what's the point of everything else? Oh wait, I forgot: no one gives a fuck because Emma Watson is in the movie.

Dumbledore is the most frighteningly terrible headmaster of any school ever. The first one, a troll gets into the school. I know that creepy, stuttering man let it in, but you think Dumbledore would be the first one to find it and fix the problem, but no. He lets two small, incompetent children and their whiny, neurotic, future pedophile-fantasy of a friend deal with it. In the second one, he allows a giant snake (I find it funny that he never noticed it) paralyze several students and STEAL another one. In the third one, he allows a convicted (albeit innocent) serial killer into the school. The fourth one, there's a fucking tournament where a kid from his school gets killed. Fifth one, he wasn't really there and nothing really bad happened. Sixth one, he finally dies. Why does everyone trust this guy? All he does is let students get killed/nearly killed. It takes until Harry's 6th year for people to start thinking "maybe I don't want my children to get murdered by the inevitably frightening things that this walking gray beard lets into his school," before deciding they don't like their kids that much.

Moving on to important stuff: Emma Watson

"Why am I smiling? Tyler Gallagher just pleasured me more than anyone else could ever do. I love him and he is sexier than that asshole who plays Ron Weasley."

That is an actual quote, by the way. While she is, for lack of a better word, horribly annoying in the first two movies, she magically became good-looking in the third one, and continued to blossom to the point where you don't pay attention to any of the movie that doesn't have her in it. I'm sure she said just as annoying things in the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th movies, but I didn't notice. I was too busy staring at the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen in my life. I can't wait until she realizes her love for me after listening to my up-and-coming solo album, An Indecisive Soul. Girls love indie music. One day she will show up at my doorstep and we will make love and live happily ever after. JUST WAIT. YOU'LL ALL SEE. I'm gonna stop typing, or I'll start crying then drown my sorrows in Coca-Cola because I'm too much of a pussy to drink any of the beer in our fridge.

Emma Watson, if you see this, I want you to be mine, forever. Call me.