Welcome...and why Prince is better than you

Hello there! I'm Tyler Gallagher and welcome to the Tyla G Show! This is a stupid blog made for the sole purpose of me ranting (about issues suburban kids like me care about, as if they can't listen to an old Modest Mouse song and think "Hey, this guy gets me!") and imitating Cracked columnists. I enjoy reading The Catcher in the Rye (the frustrated teen's bible, I should know, I pride myself on being Holden Caulfield) and listening to Prince, The Replacements, Modest Mouse, and Wu-Tang Clan (my favorite member is Inspectah Deck, followed by Ghostface Killah, Raekwon, Ol' Dirty Bastard, RZA, Method Man, GZA, U-God, and Masta Killa). However, The Clash are my favorite band. Moving on to what you guys have all been waiting for: my first article!

PRINCE IS BETTER THAN YOU.

I will personally fight anyone who disagrees with that statement. I will also personally fight anyone who thinks that they can wear a purple velvet jacket like Prince can. Let's be honest here: Prince is the sexiest mother fucker alive. While I did thoroughly enjoy watching Megan Fox in Transformers (I also enjoyed watching her fuck that motorcycle in the commercials for Transformers 2), Prince should've been the lead actress in that. I'm not saying Prince is a transvestite or anything, I'm just saying that would've made the movie more interesting, while still being sexy. Think about it: Shia LeBeouf (who I still remember as Louis in Even Stevens) is chasing after Prince while fighting robots and shit. It would be an Oscar-winning film! Actually, let's remove Shia LeBeouf (who I also still remember as Stanley "Caveman" Yelnats in Holes) and replace him with someone who is the best actor in the history of the world and not a 22 year old who still looks like he's in high school: Morgan Freeman. The movie would be considerably slower, but IT WOULD HAVE MORGAN FUCKING FREEMAN AND PRINCE IN THE SAME PLACE! Imagine an old gay couple fighting robots. It would be the best thing ever. The dialogue between Morgan Freeman and Prince would be gold too:

Morgan Freeman: I'm really old, but we have to fight these damn robots or our love can never be.

Prince: (sex moan)

The only bad part would be the sex scene between Morgan Freeman and Prince. As much as I love them both, that would be literally the most disgusting thing ever seen by human eyes.

Okay, not-so-brief digression over. "Why is Prince better than me?" you might be asking yourself. Well I'm gonna tell you why. You can't sing, you can't play guitar, and you can't fuck women as well as Prince can. If you can recall Prince's Super Bowl XLI halftime performance, you will see all three of these (except the fucking women part was more fucking basically everyone who was watching at the time) in action. When that giant curtain showed his shadow and him holding his guitar so it looked like his dick, I started crying tears of joy and proceeded to donate all of my money to charities across the globe. It changed my life. I'd like to see you try to make me cry tears of joy or any other emotion. You couldn't though because you're not Prince and you never will be, asshole.

Whoa, I just thought of something: What if Michael Jackson and Prince dance-fought? That would be really cool.

Whoa, I just thought of something else: What if the ghost of ODB fought Busta Rhymes? That would be even cooler.

While I would love to make this into a list of the best possible celebrity fights, I just don't have the -

WHAT IF NICOLAS CAGE FOUGHT KEANU REEVES?

WHAT IF EDWARD NORTON FOUGHT CUBA GOODING JR.?

WHAT IF JON AND KATE FOUGHT?

WHAT IF THEIR 8 KIDS HAD A 4 ON 4 TAG TEAM WRESTLING MATCH?

WHAT IF ANYONE KILLED ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE HILLS?

WHAT IF THE GHOST OF GEORGE CARLIN KILLED DANE COOK?

WHAT IF THEY ALL DID THIS ON THE SAME DAY?

That would be the greatest day of my life.

I'll leave you with one more thought before I go, my love. What if Jon and Kate plus 8 literally ate Dane Cook and everyone on The Hills for dinner? Wouldn't that be awesome?