Harry Potter

It's like 12:30 AM, and I'm waiting for Brad "Lights Out" Lidge to fucking finish this horribly long Phillies game that has had a rain delay and is now in the 12th inning. I don't really know why I'm writing this considering the only person who reads this is my mom (sad I know), and I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow (today?) so that's gonna suck, but there's something I have to talk about: Harry Potter. Now I'm a pretty big fan of the series, and I've already seen the new movie already (twice) with my mother (I know what you're thinking to yourself, so shut the fuck up, I like my mom so fuck off) and my equally frail, white, and loserly friend Tom. It was pretty good, and Emma Watson has "developed" some more, but I would like to point out a couple things before I start talking about Emma Watson for a few hours.

Quidditch is the most bullshit sport in the world. You'd think J.K. Rowling, who created this crazy wizard world with so much care would realize something: everything that is not the golden snitch doesn't matter. Clearly, the whole point was to give Harry another thing to single-handedly destroy at, but does he really need it? He fucking ruined a serial killer who people shudder at the name of, and he hangs around with Emma Watson. I swore before I read the last book we were gonna find out that Harry was the son of God and he was put on earth to show everyone how much they suck, then eventually "pass judgment" on everyone (for those of you who don't know, this is Catholic for kill everyone in the world, sending some of them to eternal damnation, and some of them to chill with his boyz in Heaven [and probably put the black ones in South Central Heaven]). The game of Quidditch is over when Harry inevitably catches the crazy flying ball and get 203498239408 points, so...what's the point of everything else? Oh wait, I forgot: no one gives a fuck because Emma Watson is in the movie.

Dumbledore is the most frighteningly terrible headmaster of any school ever. The first one, a troll gets into the school. I know that creepy, stuttering man let it in, but you think Dumbledore would be the first one to find it and fix the problem, but no. He lets two small, incompetent children and their whiny, neurotic, future pedophile-fantasy of a friend deal with it. In the second one, he allows a giant snake (I find it funny that he never noticed it) paralyze several students and STEAL another one. In the third one, he allows a convicted (albeit innocent) serial killer into the school. The fourth one, there's a fucking tournament where a kid from his school gets killed. Fifth one, he wasn't really there and nothing really bad happened. Sixth one, he finally dies. Why does everyone trust this guy? All he does is let students get killed/nearly killed. It takes until Harry's 6th year for people to start thinking "maybe I don't want my children to get murdered by the inevitably frightening things that this walking gray beard lets into his school," before deciding they don't like their kids that much.

Moving on to important stuff: Emma Watson

"Why am I smiling? Tyler Gallagher just pleasured me more than anyone else could ever do. I love him and he is sexier than that asshole who plays Ron Weasley."

That is an actual quote, by the way. While she is, for lack of a better word, horribly annoying in the first two movies, she magically became good-looking in the third one, and continued to blossom to the point where you don't pay attention to any of the movie that doesn't have her in it. I'm sure she said just as annoying things in the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th movies, but I didn't notice. I was too busy staring at the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen in my life. I can't wait until she realizes her love for me after listening to my up-and-coming solo album, An Indecisive Soul. Girls love indie music. One day she will show up at my doorstep and we will make love and live happily ever after. JUST WAIT. YOU'LL ALL SEE. I'm gonna stop typing, or I'll start crying then drown my sorrows in Coca-Cola because I'm too much of a pussy to drink any of the beer in our fridge.

Emma Watson, if you see this, I want you to be mine, forever. Call me.

Welcome...and why Prince is better than you

Hello there! I'm Tyler Gallagher and welcome to the Tyla G Show! This is a stupid blog made for the sole purpose of me ranting (about issues suburban kids like me care about, as if they can't listen to an old Modest Mouse song and think "Hey, this guy gets me!") and imitating Cracked columnists. I enjoy reading The Catcher in the Rye (the frustrated teen's bible, I should know, I pride myself on being Holden Caulfield) and listening to Prince, The Replacements, Modest Mouse, and Wu-Tang Clan (my favorite member is Inspectah Deck, followed by Ghostface Killah, Raekwon, Ol' Dirty Bastard, RZA, Method Man, GZA, U-God, and Masta Killa). However, The Clash are my favorite band. Moving on to what you guys have all been waiting for: my first article!

PRINCE IS BETTER THAN YOU.

I will personally fight anyone who disagrees with that statement. I will also personally fight anyone who thinks that they can wear a purple velvet jacket like Prince can. Let's be honest here: Prince is the sexiest mother fucker alive. While I did thoroughly enjoy watching Megan Fox in Transformers (I also enjoyed watching her fuck that motorcycle in the commercials for Transformers 2), Prince should've been the lead actress in that. I'm not saying Prince is a transvestite or anything, I'm just saying that would've made the movie more interesting, while still being sexy. Think about it: Shia LeBeouf (who I still remember as Louis in Even Stevens) is chasing after Prince while fighting robots and shit. It would be an Oscar-winning film! Actually, let's remove Shia LeBeouf (who I also still remember as Stanley "Caveman" Yelnats in Holes) and replace him with someone who is the best actor in the history of the world and not a 22 year old who still looks like he's in high school: Morgan Freeman. The movie would be considerably slower, but IT WOULD HAVE MORGAN FUCKING FREEMAN AND PRINCE IN THE SAME PLACE! Imagine an old gay couple fighting robots. It would be the best thing ever. The dialogue between Morgan Freeman and Prince would be gold too:

Morgan Freeman: I'm really old, but we have to fight these damn robots or our love can never be.

Prince: (sex moan)

The only bad part would be the sex scene between Morgan Freeman and Prince. As much as I love them both, that would be literally the most disgusting thing ever seen by human eyes.

Okay, not-so-brief digression over. "Why is Prince better than me?" you might be asking yourself. Well I'm gonna tell you why. You can't sing, you can't play guitar, and you can't fuck women as well as Prince can. If you can recall Prince's Super Bowl XLI halftime performance, you will see all three of these (except the fucking women part was more fucking basically everyone who was watching at the time) in action. When that giant curtain showed his shadow and him holding his guitar so it looked like his dick, I started crying tears of joy and proceeded to donate all of my money to charities across the globe. It changed my life. I'd like to see you try to make me cry tears of joy or any other emotion. You couldn't though because you're not Prince and you never will be, asshole.

Whoa, I just thought of something: What if Michael Jackson and Prince dance-fought? That would be really cool.

Whoa, I just thought of something else: What if the ghost of ODB fought Busta Rhymes? That would be even cooler.

While I would love to make this into a list of the best possible celebrity fights, I just don't have the -

WHAT IF NICOLAS CAGE FOUGHT KEANU REEVES?

WHAT IF EDWARD NORTON FOUGHT CUBA GOODING JR.?

WHAT IF JON AND KATE FOUGHT?

WHAT IF THEIR 8 KIDS HAD A 4 ON 4 TAG TEAM WRESTLING MATCH?

WHAT IF ANYONE KILLED ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE HILLS?

WHAT IF THE GHOST OF GEORGE CARLIN KILLED DANE COOK?

WHAT IF THEY ALL DID THIS ON THE SAME DAY?

That would be the greatest day of my life.

I'll leave you with one more thought before I go, my love. What if Jon and Kate plus 8 literally ate Dane Cook and everyone on The Hills for dinner? Wouldn't that be awesome?